Timmy Writes A Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys

and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees

you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you

asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

Unconfirmed rumor

Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.

Granddad and William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. 

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 

"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." 

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "it is okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." 

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, 

"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." 

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, 

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa!"

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William... the little bastard's name is Kevin.

The Space Bar

Notes from the Edge of Life

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear America ,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it." Just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?

Sincerely,

1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain...no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,

Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut!

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up.

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely, Elephant

The AMA on Obamacare

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up !" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California  beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

Bad Blonde Joke

Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?", asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Extreme Redneck

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...... 

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2.. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Old Guy Joke of the Year...

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend:

"That's us in 10 years".

He said:

"That's a mirror, dip-shit!

I Found This Humerus

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 


“Talking Dog For Sale 

“He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 


 The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 


 “You talk?” he asks. 


 “Yep,” the Lab replies. 


 After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 


“So, what’s your story?” 


 The Lab looks up and says, 


“Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.” 


“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.” 


“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. 


He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 


Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? 


“Because he’s a Bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard”

Golf Bet

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.


Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"


Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" 


Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." 


Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." 


Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" 


Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." 


Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" 


Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." 


But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger. 


"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice." 


Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" 


Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." 


Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." 


Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" 


Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"


Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

The Monkees

My wife just told me that Davy Jones from the Monkees had died.


At first I thought she was joking... 


Then I saw her face, now I'm a Bereaver.

Car Keys. A Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.  Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.

           Frantically I headed for the parking lot.  My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.  Her theory was right.  The parking lot was empty.  I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

           Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered.  I always call her “honey” in times like these.  “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

           There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice,


“Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”


Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said,


“Well, come and get me.”


Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

Two little kids are in a hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks,


"What are you in here for?"


The second kid says, 


"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."


The first kid says,


"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.   They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."


The second kid then asks,


"What are you here for?"


The first kid says, "Circumcision."


"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Smack!!

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."


You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!

......almost got me killed!

Golf Club Sign

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in the Plumbrook Country Club, Scotland : 


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU 
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES . 


 WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day. 

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom.