December 20, 2009
Where did the white man go wrong?
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free.. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Little gator caught in West Cocoa
Anyone want to go Gator hunting in a 16' Jon Boat?
Little gator caught in West Cocoa
St Johns River in Central Florida
A sad day for male Tennis fans
Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior French Open last year.
But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back.
"This fall I'll have a breast reduction operation," Halep said.. "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."
"It's uncomfortable and limits my ability to react quickly," she added.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!!
THIS SELFISH BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH HER OWN NEEDS! WHAT ABOUT US.... THE HARD-WORKIN EVERYDAY FAN????
THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!!!
Microsoft Customer Satisfaction Mandate Looms
Todd Swank, vice president of marketing at Microsoft Gold Certified partner Nor-Tech, sent 50 of his customers feedback surveys and within six weeks had the requisite 10 completes.
“So at first I was like, OK, we’ve got to do this to get Microsoft certified, but when it was all said and done and we got the consolidated results and could see what people were saying it was was eye-opening,” Swank said.
Nor-Tech, a 45 employee firm based in Burnsville, Minn., is a Microsoft small business specialist that also focuses on system building and high-performance computing. Swank said the first iteration of survey results told him that the company was on the right track with customers, but he lamented that the questions were too vanilla and not able to be customized for his business.
“They didn’t let us add our own questions to the survey, which would have been nice because it really looked like it was written by the Microsoft marketing department,” he said.
Bennani heard similar feedback from other partners and adjusted. Partners are now allowed to add their own questions to the standard survey to help elicit responses tailored and relevant to their specific business. The surveys are also co-branded between the partner and Microsoft.
Read Full Article Here:
http://www.channelinsider.com/c/a/Microsoft/Microsoft-Customer-Sat-Mandate-Looms-878938/
“So at first I was like, OK, we’ve got to do this to get Microsoft certified, but when it was all said and done and we got the consolidated results and could see what people were saying it was was eye-opening,” Swank said.
Nor-Tech, a 45 employee firm based in Burnsville, Minn., is a Microsoft small business specialist that also focuses on system building and high-performance computing. Swank said the first iteration of survey results told him that the company was on the right track with customers, but he lamented that the questions were too vanilla and not able to be customized for his business.
“They didn’t let us add our own questions to the survey, which would have been nice because it really looked like it was written by the Microsoft marketing department,” he said.
Bennani heard similar feedback from other partners and adjusted. Partners are now allowed to add their own questions to the standard survey to help elicit responses tailored and relevant to their specific business. The surveys are also co-branded between the partner and Microsoft.
Read Full Article Here:
http://www.channelinsider.com/c/a/Microsoft/Microsoft-Customer-Sat-Mandate-Looms-878938/
Mac Snow Leopard OS struggles against Windows 7
"People want their iPhones to have enterprise functionality, and now, it essentially has the same OS as a Mac computer system. It's a great pathway into business accounts. In early 2010, Microsoft will probably have a good response to the iPhone," said Todd Swank, the vice president of marketing at Nor-Tech, a systems builder based in Burnsville, Minn.
Read Full Article Here:
http://searchitchannel.techtarget.com/news/article/0,289142,sid96_gci1377318,00.html#
Read Full Article Here:
http://searchitchannel.techtarget.com/news/article/0,289142,sid96_gci1377318,00.html#
December 19, 2009
December 18, 2009
Early Dismissal
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these b*tch%s would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
Best Comeback of the Year
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Wish I could think so quickly.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Wish I could think so quickly.
Christmas Party Memos
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
_____________________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. And yes, kosher foods will be provided and separated from the other trays.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
_______________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non- drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
______________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Will that make you happy?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently they've had past problems of confusion and shock in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
_________________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
______________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards and letters to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
_____________________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. And yes, kosher foods will be provided and separated from the other trays.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
_______________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non- drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
______________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Will that make you happy?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently they've had past problems of confusion and shock in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
_________________________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
______________________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards and letters to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
December 16, 2009
Shortarmguy Family Christmas Letter 2009
Whoops. We meant Merry Christmas. Sorry about that!
Well, here we are trying to write another nice Christmas letter where we pretend nothing but glorious things happened to us in the past year. But, we just can't do it. As far as we're concerned, the year 2009 can Suck It!
It started out with the simultaneous collapse of the stock market and real estate market which basically wiped out a whole bunch of our life savings. We tried to look at the bright side of things and tell each other that we didn't really like that money anyways, but it didn't seem to help.
In May, Todd had the bright idea of letting someone he'd never met before shoot lasers in his eyes to try to correct his vision. The surgery went good for the first few weeks then one beautiful morning, Todd woke up, opened his eyelids, and peeled off a big layer of his cornea. He ended up blind in that eye for a few days and it took a couple of months for his vision to get back to normal. Thank God, things seem pretty good for his eyes now.
July rolled around and we lost Sheri's father due to complications from heart surgery. Larry Haack was a wonderful husband and father and is greatly missed by his family. We like to think of him as being up in heaven, smiling down on us while riding the nicest John Deere Tractor that God can create and enjoying the great harvest in the sky!
We also had a bunch of other stuff happen to us that we're too ashamed to discuss. We're sure you'll eventually read about it in the newspapers.
Things weren't all bad, though. We did have some neat things occur. Because of his heart condition, Luke received a wish from the Wishes and More Organization. He told them he wanted to be a comedian and ended up performing in front of hundreds of people on two separate occasions. He received a standing ovation both times and his head has now grown so big that it barely fits through standard doorways. We also had the chance to meet comedy legend, Louie Anderson, which was awesome. After Luke saw him perform, he added three new swear words to his comedy routine which made us all laugh and laugh!
Avery had a great year playing basketball with a couple of teams at school. Although he's still one of the smallest kids on the floor, he makes up for it with spunk and tenacity. It also doesn't hurt that we make him drink three Monster Energy Drinks before each game.
For 2010, we'll be following the lead of Tiger Woods and taking an indefinite break from playing golf. We're guessing our break might end about the time the snow melts, but you never can tell.
We hope you all achieve your dreams in 2010!
The Shortarmguy Family
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