July 27, 2010

Lost Cat Poster

Why never to ask favors from the designers


Story goes:


Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...They work at the same company


Read from top to bottom….


Hi

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.


From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Poster






Dear Shannon,


That is shocking news.


Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.


Regards, David.




From: Shannon Walkley


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Poster


yeah ok thanks. I know you don’t like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.




From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster




Dear Shannon,


I never said I don't like cats. Attached poster as requested.


Regards, David.







From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


yeah that’s not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?


From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


Dear Shannon,


It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.


Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


That’s just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.


From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


Dear Shannon,


Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.


Regards, David.





From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.


From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster



From: Shannon Walkley

Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Awww
Dear Shannon,


I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.


Regards, David.



From: Shannon Walkley


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Awww


That’s not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.






From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Awww


I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.


Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Please just use the photo I gave you.


From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww





From: Shannon Walkley


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


I didn’t say there was a reward. I don’t have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.




From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley




Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.


From: David Thorne


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm


To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww









From: Shannon Walkley


Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm


To: David Thorne


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




Fine. That will have to do.

How long have you owned a car???

Mr. Allen Swift ( Springfield , M A .) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Picadilly P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928. He drove it up until his death last year.....at the age of 102 !!!

He was the oldest living owner of a car from new. Just thought you'd like to see it. He donated it to a Springfield museum after his death. It has 170,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition. (82 years) Just thought you would find this of interest....


Hey, kid! This is what I think of you watching me!

God On Lawn Care (Author unknown)

God:

Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all see are these green rectangles

St. Francis:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord...The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God:

Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God:


The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis:


Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it...s ometimes twice a week.

God:


They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis:


Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God:


They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis:


No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God:


Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis:


Yes, Sir.

God:


These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis:


You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God:


What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis:


You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God:


No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis:


After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God:


And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis:


They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God:


Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine:


"Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

God:


Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

The Dad Life --- Rap Music Video

Old Rock Star Songs

July 25, 2010

Picture of Obama's Teleprompter

Shortarmguy Diary Entry for July 25, 2010


July 25, 2010

Blond High Jump


True marvel of engineering..

The story goes like this:

Several years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty transmission business. We were getting ready to tape our first introduction video, as a warm up, the professional narrator began what has become a legend within the trucking industry. This man should have won an academy for his stellar performance. Now remember this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down, this became the biggest talk in the industry, vs our new product which we were introducing. I think you will enjoy this once in a lifetime performance from this gentleman.




What is a Bucket Seat?

Difference Between the US and the Middle East



Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of Rolling Rock, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

When Farm Kids Get Bored



















A Biker in a Bar

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

Do you like snakes?

Guess what was found just south of Jacksonville Fl..

Near the St. Augustine outlet, in a new KB homes subdivision.




15 foot Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake.

Largest ever caught on record.

After seeing this, I did a little research, and learned the following:

One bite from a snake this large contains enough venom to kill over 40 full grown men.

The head alone is larger than the hand of a normal sized man.

This snake was probably alive when George H. W. Bush was President.

A bite from those fangs would equal being penetrated by two 1/4 inch screwdrivers.

A snake this size could easily swallow a 2 year-old child.

A snake this size has an approximately 5 and 1/2 foot accurate striking distance.

(The distance for an average size Rattlesnake is about 2 feet)

Judging by the size of the snake, it is estimated to weigh over 170 pounds.

How much do you weigh?

New Obama Humor --- July, 2010








Asking for a Raise

In the Bosses office ---

A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

B: Yes.

A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have three companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

B: A raise? Son, I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

A: Oh, the electric company, gas company and water company!

Almost invisible mirrored tree house built in Sweden

I want to go to there!



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