July 31, 2011

KFAN In Studio Experience with The Common Man Dan Cole

KFAN In Studio Experience with The Common Man Dan Cole

Shortarmguy's Diary Update for July 31, 2011

So we finally had the chance to go see the last Harry Potter movie.  I was totally prepared to be disappointed, but was pleasantly surprised.  I'll definitely give it One Big Thumb Up!  It was a very satisfying conclusion for the life of the young Boy Wizard I secretly wish I could be.  Oh, what fun I would have with a magic wand!

On Tuesday, we had a unique experience when we went to visit Clear Channel Studios for an in studio experience with KFAN's the Common Man Dan Cole.  Since the NFL lockout had just ended, I was expecting the commentary to be dominated by football free agency talk.  Instead the discussion was all about the recent U2 concert that had just occurred at TCF Stadium in Minneapolis.  Dan was against it.  He was excitedly pissing off his listeners by telling them that the band was endangering the lives of the audience by continuing their performance even though there were severe thunderstorms in the area.  One guy even called in and basically told The Common Man  that he should "Shut The Hell Up!"  This really cracked up Luke.  He was quoting from the angry caller for us for the rest of the day!

We were in the studio for about 45 minutes and had a tough time adjusting to the fact that we were supposed to remain quiet while the host was talking.  This was a real challenge for us because we're quite used to being loud people!

After the show, we did such a good job that some random football player doused me with a cooler full of Gatorade.   Man, was that stuff sticky!

We were supposed to leave town this week to attend Miss Sheri's Family Reunion in Iowa, but since we'd spent 3 weekends already in Iowa for the month of July, we thought we'd spend the final weekend closer to home.  So we went golfing and were prepared for a night full of mind blowing fun.  The golf was great.  The conditions were not.

For one thing, it was really hot and the sun beat down on us the entire game!  I know we're not supposed to complain about sunny days, but this was ridiculous.  Only in Minnesota do we have completely different weather 365 days a year and also 365 different reasons to bitch about it as well!

But that wasn't the only thing that made us sad.  Oh no.  The bugs made us completely miserable as well!   We thought we were going to a golf course, but ended up at a mosquito backyard barbecue instead.  On the menu?  The Swank Family!

On Saturday, we thought we'd have a better time if we went for a morning boat ride to avoid the afternoon sun.  We also discovered that being far away from shore helped us to avoid the monster Minnesota mosquitoes we'd been experiencing as of late.  Things were almost perfect!

But not quite perfect.  The more we take the boys tubing on the boat, the more comfortable we're getting dragging them anywhere we go including under the couple of bridges we encounter on Prior Lake.  We were fine on this one, but there's a much smaller one that we had serious concerns we'd be able to go underneath due to the rising waters of late.  Turns out the boat made it fine, but in my concern for clearance, I forgot that I had my children floating about 20 feet behind us and had pulled them straight into the cement column.  Lucky for all of us, inflatable tubes bounce pretty good.

Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails for July 31, 2011

The Little Bow Hunter

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.  That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. 

 One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.  Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck...

OH S%#T! He just got home from work. 

So help me John Wayne, it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.

Oh #$%#!!!.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. 

 Let me repeat this...


There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sumbich just got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:


His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". 

Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. 

It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life..

I Wish I'd Met This Kid in the Womb!

Kid Born with 14 Fingers and 20 Toes

Akshat Saxena, a one-year-old from India, was just put into the Guiness Book of World Records for his unusual number of extra phalanges. Saxena was born with ten toes on each foot and seven fingers on each hand.

How Hot Is It?

One picture is worth a thousand words......

This is Elliot, an English Bulldog, and this is an "un-posed" picture (trust me, you couldn't actually make Elliot do anything) of said pooch trying to beat the heat after his owners emptied their cooler in the driveway in Lamesa, TEXAS.

Satan Called

Video: Oak Island Money Pit Mystery

Rocket Science

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

July 28, 2011

A Joke for the Depressed Man

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. 

He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf . 

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. 

He started thinking, 

"What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?   I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. 

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.  The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. 

He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?' 

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

Video: Ray Stevens - Obama Budget Plan

Debt Ceiling Cartoon --- Bulls Eye!

July 26, 2011

Report: Former Acer CEO Lanci Headed To Samsung

Todd Swank, director of marketing at Burnsville, Minn.-based system builder Nor-Tech, thinks the move would make sense for both parties. "I'm sure it's an attractive place for him to go. Samsung is going all out for the channel and it would be a good idea to go after someone with his experience," Swank said.

Swank thinks Samsung is appealing to Lanci because of its strong presence in the new mobile PC landscape once dominated by Acer. "Now the real players seem to be the phone guys. Samsung is absolutely a phone guy," said Swank.

Read Full Article Here:


July 24, 2011

The Shortarmguy Family Trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota

The Shortarmguy Family Trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota
Shortarmguy Diary Update for July 24, 2011

We started our vacation this week by going to a Minnesota Twins game on Monday at Target Field.  The heat index put us at about 110 degrees.  Needless to say, we only lasted 5 innings before the boys demanded we leave or they'd melt.  We sure do love Outdoor Baseball in Minnesota!

On Tuesday we drove to the Black Hills of South Dakota!  We were told that we had to stop in Mitchell to see the Corn Palace!!  We did it, but weren't that impressed.  We were expecting a building where everything was made of corn including the walls, floor, and ceiling.  We were a bit disappointed when we discovered the corn palace basically just had some murals on the wall made of corn cobs.  They should call the place Corn Pictures instead of Corn Palace.

We also stopped by Wall Drug because that's the thing you do when driving through South Dakota.  The place has been around forever and built their reputation by giving away free ice water.  But Miss Sheri wasn't having anything to do with that crap.  She said she was bringing her own water so she didn't owe them Drug People anything!  

Avery loved riding on this bucking bronco until we told him that it wasn't real.  

We went to Deadwood and met up with Grandma Joyce, Martha, and Ryan for dinner.  We ate at Saloon 10.  We like hanging out at Saloons together!

After our meal, we went downstairs to watch a re-enactment of Wild Bill Hickcock getting shot.  I kept feeling I should try to save the guy since we knew what was about to happen to him, but I guess the management think that spoils the show for the other patrons.

Later we went over to Kevin Costner's Casino and Grill.  They love him in South Dakota because of all he did for them with the movie Dances With Wolves.  Apparently he owns this casino with his brother.  He keeps a bunch of his old movie props and costumes from his past great films like "No Way Out", "Bull Durham", and "Robin Hood."  Based on the size of his costumes, I was amazed to discover what a little guy Kevin Costner must be.  I'm pretty sure I could take him.

On Wednesday we drove past Crazy Horse on our way to see Mount Rushmore.  It's still very cool, but doesn't look like it's changed much since the last time we saw it about 15 years ago.  I feel bad for the people working on this sculpture.  It must suck to spend so much time on a project that seems to be going nowhere!  Guess they know what it feels like to be congress-people. 

Mount Rushmore is still amazing!  We kept looking for Nicolas Cage to be running around up there, but none of us could find him.  He must be very sneaky!

We took a train ride to Keystone on the 1880 Train.  Nice ride, but for two hours it slowly rocked us all to sleep.  Those people in the olden days sure knew how to make travel comfortable!

On Wednesday night, we celebrated my 41st birthday at the Alpine Inn in Hill City.  I love places that give you sparklers on your table!!  Fire makes food good!

We woke up bright and early on Thursday to go harass the animals at Custer State Park.  There's signs everywhere that tell you that the buffalo are dangerous, but all we wanted to do was pet one!  We came close when we stumbled across this herd of them crossing the road in front of us.  The voice you hear telling us to back-off is that of the Park Ranger.  If you listen closely, you'll hear him tell a story about the day before when one of the buffalo rammed some guy's car!

After Custer State Park, we drove over Needles Highway and Iron Mountain Road where we made our children pose for pictures near cliffs that had drop-offs about 150 feet down.  It was worth it, though, because do you see how clear Mount Rushmore is in that background?

Afterwards, we drove through Bear Country USA where we had even closer access to even more dangerous animals.  The boys loved watching these huge mammals as they nearly bit into our family van.  You're not supposed to open your windows while driving through the park, but we couldn't resist.  Lucky for us, we're still missing the same amount of fingers that we were missing when we left.

Because the day still didn't feel full enough, we decided to make a stop at Reptile Gardens.  It was cool because they let you sit on the bleachers in the shade while they harassed the animals for our enjoyment.  This guy was pretty new on the job for doing the shows, but he really seemed like he knew what he was doing.  As long as the animals cooperate for him, I think he'll have a long career in front of him.  Here's a short video of his act:

This was Luke's favorite place.  He loves snakes and frogs and turtles and things like that.  Although I think he was a little ticked off when this tortoise stepped on his foot!

Unlike Luke, I'm not as fond of the Reptiles.

But he calmed me done and taught me how to rub snakes the right way so they don't want to bite your face.

On Friday, we decided to relax a bit at the Hotel's water park.  We also went to Jewel Cave which is supposedly the second largest cave in the world.  It was very cool, but if you've seen one stalactite, you've seen them all.  We want cave monsters!

Our best accomplishment of the trip was helping Luke to get over his fear of big water park slides.  We did this by pushing him down this "Toilet Bowl" slide numerous times.  Once he survived a couple flushes, he kept begging for more!