September 27, 2011

Remote Control Roundup

HP Partners To Whitman: Please Reconsider PSG, Autonomy Moves

Todd Swank, vice president of marketing at Burnsville, Minn.-based system builder Nor-Tech, believes that HP retaining PSG would be the best course of action. "Most of us in the channel want to see HP be more competitive with Apple and other device manufacturers that are coming up and taking a lot of our bread and butter business, and HP taking a step in that direction would be a positive," he said.

Read Full Article Here:

September 26, 2011

Pitbull vs Barbershop

Ultimate Batting Accuracy

A very small dog is on the loose...


Thought you might enjoy this email I received. I live in the DFW area and followed your trip here a few years ago to visit a sister (?).

The following email showed up on a HOA email blast. I edited out personal information and location. The first place I thought they needed to look was in a mouse trap.

Dog on the Run
My neighbor and their children have lost their dog, Bianca, sometime today (9-14-2011).
Bianca is solid white, about 2" tall, very friendly and she has been chipped. FYI - she speaks little English.

Wm. David Hawkins

Would You Find a Seat?

September 25, 2011

Minnesota Renaissance Festival 2011

The Minnesota Renaissance Festival 2011
Shortarmguy's Diary Update for September 25, 2011

Fall is in the air, but Sunny still demands that I take him swimming all the time.  I keep trying to throw the ball farther and farther out in the water, but the dang dog just never seems to get tired.

Avery made the jump to contacts this week.  Well, at least he's trying to make the jump.  He was able to put them in his eyes at the optometrist's office and take them out again, but it's still a challenge to do it every day at home.  So we're working on it.  I understand the difficulties of the task because I tried to get contacts when I was younger and failed miserably.  Every time I tried to poke one of those things in my eyes, my eyelids said No Fricking Way!  So I stuck with glasses for many years until finally getting Lasix a couple years ago.  But I have confidence that Avery will have them figured out real soon.  He's much better with his hands than his dad.

We went and saw the movie Moneyball this week with Brad Pitt.  I know this picture is of the boys in front of the Real Steel display, but the silly theater didn't have a display for Moneyball.  The boys didn't really enjoy the movie because they thought it was way too slow with very little action, but their mother and I loved it.  It was an inspiring movie that really promoted "Out of the Box" thinking which we like. Three Big Thumbs up from Miss Sheri and I!

On Saturday, we went to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival to Get our Geek On.  Next time we're going to wear costumes so we really fit in, but for now I think we're geeky enough in our street clothes.

We showed up a little later than we usually do, so we had to battle a pretty big crowd before even arriving at the gates.  But there's so many interesting people to watch, we didn't mind the wait.  Well, I think Avery minded a little.

A lot of the people we met were really friendly even though some of them were a little too "Handsy" for our taste!

Others were kind of grouchy.  Not sure if it was part of the act or if they were just kind of surly to be looking like this out in public.

We even bumped into some old friends along the way.  Paul and I played little league baseball together about 30 years ago.  He and Angie drove up from Mason City, Iowa to enjoy the Rat Catcher's Feast which they told me was a 7 course meal they were going to attend later that evening.  I'm not sure if  I'd go to a meal put on by a guy who calls himself a Rat Catcher, but to each his own.  I hope they enjoyed their supper!

We met nice people, grouchy people, old friends, and a lot of weirdo's.  But I'll never understand where they find so many psychotic people to come to these events like this guy.  He climbed on top of a tall ladder and started juggling lots of different stuff.  He had no net around him or anything to break his fall in case he slipped.  Nothing down there but a little tip jar which didn't seem all that full for the level of effort he was putting out there.  Righteous Bucks indeed!   

Nice Email from KT in Florida

Hi Todd...

I am trying to read everything on your "Last Ride on Zray" but wanted to say HI...:) 

SO...hope all is well with you, I am hanging tough, have one more trip to the skin ca. doc. Just more fun. But I am doing well, considering. Today, my old guy (Bud) is going to take me out to lunch. I told him I just couldn't stand cooking. :) 

So, I love the picture of you standing in that flower garden-type place. You are looking good. I admire you more than I can say, and don't even think otherwise, after all...I am pushing 80 y/o. :) 

I have to tell you this, and please don't misunderstand... When my problem came up, I had to make a very difficult decision..bilateral mastectomy, and max. chemo/radiation. Now, I am not telling you for sympathy. That was over 4 years ago. I am thankful to still be here. The decision I am talking about is NOT having the bilateral implants. I don't regret it. I feel good, and I can wear all my old T-shirts. :) I don't know why I wanted to tell you this, in fact, I may have told you before. That is one of my problems...short term memory loss, due to the medications the docs put me on. BUT...I am not complaining. I am still here long after the docs said I probably wouldn't be. 

So I give thanks every day for my life. And I mention you and your family in my prayers very often. I think the Good Lord made His light shine upon you. And you are doing what He wants you to do...letting people know how normal your life is in spite your original problem. So I think of you and do the same. I'm sorry if I am boring you with all this info. I just felt like letting you know (maybe again) how much I think of you and admire you. 

As for me, the one thing that kept me going was the absolute support of my family and every friend in person and on the Internet. I had calls, visits and emails during the six months I was having the Chemo/radiation. I truly believe that it was that one thing that kept me going, kept me strong and determined to stick around. 

If I hadn't had the 100% support of my 55 year mate, Bud, I am sure I wouldn't be here. He was with me every step of the way. He cooked. He did the laundry. He ran the vac. He shopped. I was unable to do any of the above. I think this is the most important thing that kept me going. A person receiving the treatment I had absolutely needs someone as supportive as I had to keep them going. I had family and friends, but the one that kept me going was my Bud. :) (Uh...I was 12 when we got married.:) 

 So I wanted everyone to know that if they have a friend/family member with any serious health problem, STICK WITH THEM. Support them, let them know you are THERE for them. There is nothing that strengthens a person as much as and prayers. Sorry my email got so long. I guess "talking" to you brought back memories I wanted to share. :) Keep safe. KT

Crazy Emails for September 25, 2011

Pail Helmet

Crazy Cartoons for September 25, 2011

Corn Maze for Blondes

Actual Email Exchange Proving I'm a Chemistry Idiot

Got a chemistry joke for ya. Please don't hate me for this…
Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Batman!


I'm so sorry. I don't get it. I've thought about it for days and even tried to search Google for an explanation, but this one is beyond me. Maybe it's because I did so poorly with chemistry in high school...

Todd Swank

LOL, well sodium is "Na" on the periodic table. So replace each instance of the word with "Na" and see what you get. J

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"  

A practical example of how the human mind works

In the picture below, we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people.

Read the review after the photo...

- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

The Joys of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.

9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

10. You get into a heated argument about pension claims.

11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with the elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.

September 22, 2011

My Name is Todd Swank. And I Think You're Pretty Nice!

I made this song and thought it was neat so I had to figure out a fun way to share it with you. 

This is the result. 

If you like it, download the Songify app and try it yourself. It's pretty darn cool!

September 20, 2011

The Legend of Shortarmguy

I started blogging on back in 1999.  

Of course, we didn't call it blogging back then.  

As I continue to update my new Blogger site in 2011, I'm going to pull over some of my favorite content from the old site.  

This is a re-post of The Legend of Shortarmguy.  It's a page I wrote back in 2000 when I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to with my website.

Reading it again still brings a smile to my face.  I hope you enjoy reading it. 

Please leave any feedback you have for me in the comments section of this post. 

I'd love to hear your comments.

Here's the new link:

September 19, 2011

Drinking and Driving Experience

I would like to share with you an experience that I recently had regarding drinking and driving.

As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before. Sometimes it's hard to decide when you've had too much to drink.

Well I, for one, have done something about it....the other night I was out for a few drinks with some friends.

Having had a few too many brews and knowing full well I was struggling and in no position to get myself home, I did something I’ve never done before... I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I had never driven a bus before.....

Click here for more Funny Jokes

September 18, 2011

Last Ride on Zray for the Summer

Last Ride on Zray for the Summer

Shortarmguy's Diary Update for September 18, 2011

Last Saturday gave us the opportunity to join our good friends, the Zitzewitz Family, on their boat, Zray.  You see, the boat is a Sea Ray and their last name starts with Z.  So the boat is called Z Ray.  Get it?  If not, please send me an email and I'll draw a diagram for you.  

The boys love being on the boat because it gives the chance to put on their Dancing Shoes and shuffle around the bow of the boat.  Although after looking at the picture again, I see that they are all barefoot so I guess the dancing occurred without any shoes at all.  But it still looked good.

Karl always likes to impress us all by lifting his arms and suddenly flying off the boat into the sky.  Every now and then he'll bump his head on an airplane, but other than that, it's very impressive.

The future's so bright, they gotta wear shades.  Either that or I was looking really bright while taking their picture.  I don't remember which it was.

Later in the evening, we made a stop in Stillwater, Minnesota at a restaurant.  After a day of sun and swimming, the kids were excited for a break.  The adults were excited to sit in a nice restaurant while wearing our swimsuits.  It's so rare in life that we get to do that.

At about 11PM at night, they dropped us off at the dock and told us to ride the little cart up the long hill to our car.  It was much scarier than any of us imagined it would be.  Luckily, no beasts attacked us on our little journey to the top.  Although I'm still kind of certain that I saw a ghost in the trees next to us.

This Saturday, we went to Como Park to support Camp Odayin for their annual Heart and Sole Fund Raiser walk.  Some people run at the event, but that seemed like too much work for a Saturday morning so we just walked instead.

It's a good thing the boys saved their energy because it turned out that a bunch of cheerleaders appeared right before the finish line.  They were shouting for us to "Keep Going!" and "You're almost there!"  But we thought it would be much more fun to stop and get our picture taken with them.  Even though it did add a couple minutes to our final time, the boys felt it was well worth it. 

The event also had "Turtle Races" but we didn't like them at all because our turtle sucked.  He didn't go nearly as fast as the other turtles.  I have a strong suspicion that some of the other turtles had been juiced up with steroids or something, but unfortunately when I said something to the organizers about it, they just looked at me like I was a little dim.  But it's that exact attitude that prevents this sport from being taken more seriously and for it to finally make it to prime time.  But what do I know? 

Have You Seen This Bird?

Somebody call 911! I need a Beerbulance...

Lady Gaga Cartoon

Best Graph on Aging I've Ever Seen! (Naughty Language Warning!)

Our Dog is a Schnauzer

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. 

 The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Sandra that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 

Sandra went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. 

At the register, the pharmacist told her, 

"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 

Sandra said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 

The pharmacist said, 

"If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." 

Sandra replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." 

The pharmacist said, 

"Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Kamikaze Swimmers Finally Reach Pearl Harbor

I'm guessing the guy who drives this truck is a Republican


Woes of a Pirate

A pirate walked into a restaurant, and the waiter said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The waiter replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the waiter. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook"

Hope he runs in 2012. At least he has what is needed in Washington.......

September 16, 2011

Video: Airplane crash at Reno air races 2011 Friday sept 16

Wow!  This is tragic!!!  An airplane crashed into the audience at the Reno Air Races...

September 15, 2011

Video: Webcam 101 for Seniors....

It's so fun to be old, in love, and clueless about technology!

September 14, 2011

Naughty Scarlett Johansson Takes Nude Pictures of Herself with her Cell Phone

Apparently she wants the FBI's help to track down the culprits who hacked into her cell phone and released the pictures on the internet.  

I hope they find them also!!  Maybe they have more....

Hey, Scarlett!!  

If you don't want naked pix on the internet, don't take them, silly!

If you want to see the pictures, visit Buzzfeed.  

But don't tell them I sent you there.

Video: News Anchor Mocks Kardashians

Read More Details Here:

Breaking News: Kardashians Mocked

September 13, 2011

IDF: Intel Executives Try To Build Buzz Around Ultrabooks

Ultrabooks are viewed by some industry analysts as Intel's bid to finally establish a foothold in a mobility space with which it has long flirted. Todd Swank, vice president of marketing at Burnsville, Minn.-based system builder Nor-Tech, says Intel could see strong uptake for Ultrabooks despite an abundance of competing mobile devices already on the market. 

 "Intel is a little bit late to the party and they're playing catch-up to ARM in terms of power consumption and battery life," said Swank. "But smaller and faster is what customers are demanding, and as a reseller I could see Ultrabooks being very popular."

Read Full Article Here:

September 11, 2011

Joe's Wife

Labor Day Weekend 2011 in Branson, Missouri

Labor Day Weekend 2011 in Branson, Missouri
Shortarmguy's Diary Update for September 11, 2011

For Labor Day Weekend, we drove down to Branson, Missouri to see Grandma Joyce , my sisters, and their families.  Pandemonium ensued.

Of course, we couldn't all get together without the dogs, so we brought them as well.  We like to make them fight one another and then bet on the outcomes.  

On Saturday, we rented a boat and headed out on Table Rock Lake.  We like to all hang on the rope and be dragged around the water.  We do it until one of us gets an enema and then demands that we stop.  It's very fun!

After that game, we decided to throw the kids on the tube to see how fast we could get them off it again. This is hard to do with a pontoon boat.

When we didn't have luck sinking two of them, we thought we'd try our luck with 3 on there at the same time, but we weren't able to fling them off very well this way either.

Eventually we realized that the pontoon just wasn't fast enough to terrorize our children, so we started doing more reckless things like driving them really close to the Branson Belle Riverboat.  We laughed and laughed as their feet came dangerously close to the large paddle wheel in the back.  What fun is a vacation if you can't fill the kids with fear during the trip?

Eventually we gave up on the tube and took the kids cliff diving instead.  Only Cousin Mallory and Uncle David Kelley were actually brave enough to scale the cliff and jump.  I probably would have done it also, but felt obligated to drive the boat instead.  Thank God I had a good excuse not to do it!

After boating, we decided to crash an old folks home and join their Karaoke Night.  It was pretty mellow until we arrived, but we rocked the joint.  My rendition of Jump by Kriss Kross seemed to be a big hit with the old people, but it was hard to tell because none of them started jumping along with me.

Since we figured we'd mastered the water on Saturday, we thought we'd better tackle the land on Sunday.  So we mounted up our trusty steeds and started exploring the prairies around Dogwood Canyon Nature Park.  Luckily, none of us were Bucked Off.

It was a rewarding experience to go for a trail ride although the view of the horse butt in front of you did get a little boring.  So we tried to turn around as much as we could.  

All in all, we had a lot of fun together.  I wish we all lived a little closer together so we could do this more often, but we sure do make the best of it when we get the chance!